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Lost
In a sea of collections
Borrowing and buying the creativity of others
To make up for that which has been
Lost

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ohhhhhhh life. always something new, mixed in with the same old shit.

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Ever feel like it’s just impossible for you to ever be good enough?

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another night alone

surrounded by opportunities

and yet here i am.

i should probably smoke a bowl and go to bed.

i should probably study. clean. shower. do something productive. 

nothing ever really feels productive.

it’s all just some endless cycle, 

thinking that next time i’ll come out on top.

thinking that next time things will be different, 

that i won’t feel this way, 

that something will make a difference, 

that something will change… 

nothing ever really changes.

everything is something from before,

recycled into a new package, 

assuring a different feeling, 

less of one thing, 

more of something else. 

a lie of fulfilling a promise that will never come to be.

you’ll be happier, 

pain will cease, 

these thoughts will go away, 

he’ll love you more… 

only truly giving a new box to check, 

maybe pushing off the time when that box goes underground.

something will always go wrong.

no matter how hard you try to make everything right. 

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forever.

i will never wear a bikini.

i will never walk around topless without feeling completely disgusting. 

i will never wear a dress that isn’t an empire waist.

my arms will always sag.

there will always be extra skin, or fat, or both, under my chin.

at least 4 inches would fall over any pair of hip-huggers if i tried to wear them.

my thighs will always look like cottage cheese.

my thighs will always touch each other.

i will never want you to look at me naked.

my pooch of fat will always hang.

i will never wear a leotard.

i never want you to see my skin above my knees.

my teeth will always be stained, and crooked.

my feet will make you sick to your stomach.

my skin will always be blemished. a lot.

you will never be able to throw me around in bed.

i will never wear anything remotely see-thru or tight fitting below my chest.

i will never have those beautiful hip and small of back curves.

i will always have a ridiculously large amount of stretch marks.

my stomach will never be flat.

i will never be a trophy wife. 

i will never be good enough for you.

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give up.

maybe once this is all over — once i’m all used up and there’s nothing more to take from me — maybe i can travel again. maybe i can just go, sleep on some couches here and there, go south or west during the winter and find some nice camp grounds. not have anyone depending on me. not have anyone just using me for their benefit and not caring if i ever need help back. 

i’m about to lose my house. once that happens, i won’t be any good to them anymore. nowhere to have parties that keep me up all night, nowhere to have band practice or shows, nowhere to rack up bills that someone else has to pay for, or destroy other people’s property while not caring about its sentimental value or trying to replace it. so i know they won’t be there to even try and help. it’s already like pulling teeth trying to get people to clean up after themselves, or their friends, or to help move something, or do anything that isn’t immediately beneficial to them. 

i won’t be missed by many. sure, people will say they miss me, that always happens. but no one makes an effort anymore. i don’t make that much of an effort myself, so i can’t really blame them. but at least i won’t truly be hurting anyone. 

except him. 

maybe he’d come with me… more likely would be him trying to convince me not to give up. but maybe he’d come with me. it’s true i’d miss him most. he’s one of the only things that keeps me even trying these days. and that’s a lot to put on someone. maybe he’d be better off without me depending on him. i know i’m needy. i’m 26 and feeble. what happens next time i hurt myself? maybe that time it will be permanent… maybe i won’t be able to walk. then what? he gets to push me around in a wheelchair for the rest of his life? that’s not fair. i don’t want that. no matter what’d he’d say, he wouldn’t want that either. he’d resent me after a while. i’d be a burden, if i’m not already…

i wonder what it will be like to truly not try anymore. if that’s even something i can do. i’m just so tired, and can never sleep…

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Color Test…

Almost dead on I’d say…

Your Existing Situation

"Very social and needs a highly social environment with people who depend on him, in order to feel safe. she is a go-getter and can adapt to almost any situation. "

Your Stress Sources

"Demands to be noticed by others as an important individual, needs attention and recognition. her current situation is leaving her dissatisfied. she feels she needs to make friends with those who hold the same high standards she does. Wants to stand out as someone at the top of her class and be admired by others. she needs to feel in control which makes it difficult to give of herself to another person. she feels isolated and alone but refuses to appear weak and continues to be emotionally distant from others in order to keep her attitude of superiority. "

Your Restrained Characteristics

Open and emotionally involved in relationships and easily finds satisfaction through sexual activity.

"Current situation makes her feel unable to prove himself, but tries to make the best of things."

Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound.

"Is emotionally demanding, especially during intimate moments, which leaves her feeling frustrated because she is unable to find a perfect union."

Your Desired Objective

Is searching for a tight relationship with passion and physical fulfillment. Is focused and driven toward physical fitness and overall well-being.

Your Actual Problem

Fears others will try to hold her back from achieving her goals and the things she wants. Puts on the charm and can be manipulative towards others hoping she can get them to do as she wishes and making it easier for her to reach her own goals.

Your Actual Problem #2

"Impressed by unique and one of a kind things, and by people with exceptional personalities. Tries to takes the characteristics she likes in other people and apply it to herself as well as coming across as a unique individual."

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ever feel paralyzed?

when i write poetry, i usually like to have a beginning and an end point in mind. from there, i will build the steps from point a to point b; and that’s where the wordy-ness, synonyms, puns, hyperboles, imagery, and story telling comes in. but when i’m writing a journal entry (or a blog i guess), i just kind of start writing. when i start the entry, i don’t know how it’s going to end up. hence why it takes me so much longer to write a blog than a poem. with a poem, i’m very choosy with my words, but don’t usually allow myself to go back and edit them. once they’re written on the paper, they’re finalized. maybe that’s why i truly still enjoy keeping actual paper journals, because the poems are more raw; they’re the first thing that came to mind that stuck, and once they’re scribbled the words actually exist. when it comes to a blog, i can delete, go back and edit, change the words to convey what i later realized i actually meant. i often use writing to clear my head, and when i’m not writing with a literary purpose, the entry just tends to go wherever my mind may need to. 

no, i’m not saying i have epiphanies where, like House, i am writing a completely unrelated blog entry to Wilson or Cuddy and I stop talking and storm out of the room with the unheard of cure for our quickly dying patient. not those kind of epiphanies. i just get a sort of chance to categorize my thoughts and sometimes my insecurities or motivations will stick out to me when reading what i wrote the next day. really, it’s a good therapeutic tool. and i need that. cause i’m overwhelmed.  ((edit: this opening was added after i wrote the first two sentences to the paragraph below. that’s why this takes longer than poems, haha))

overwhelmed. a three syllabled word that insinuates so much more than three syllables ever should. i am currently overwhelmed.

i am a 26 year old. i own a house that i live in with multiple roommates of varying ages. i currently work two “adult” jobs in which i run, among other management duties, marketing departments. i am in my official second year of college pursuing a degree in business, in which i hope to gain the skills to help me open a non-profit community center in the failing economic outskirts of Detroit. i am 5 months into an official “relationship” with my best friend of the past three years, whom i love more than i ever even could have fathomed the word love to mean. i come from a broken background, which is always in the process of trying to mend, creating momentary stress for what will hopefully be a positive future. i am covered in ink with a touch of metal, and i swear that i will make a difference while keeping my multi-colored mohawk in-tact. not because i want to fit into any specific sub-culture genre (although i appreciate many of them, and don’t mind being called that), but because it’s just what i enjoy. i like to write. and daydream. and think that the world can be a better place, and that most people really do have a good heart…

you can see how any of the above description of myself could add stress to my life situations, or could alleviate it.

and so here i am. chain smoking and writing an elaborate online journal entry about my insomnia before the impending 6 day work week begins, the concert in my basement on monday, school scheduling and photo shoot tuesday, friend’s concert on wednesday, property taxes due thursday, garage sale to raise money to fix the house all weekend, all other bills due next week, wifey flying back to arizona on thursday, birthdays, weddings, commitment, and hopefully restoring my sanity sometime in 2013…

and my last cigarette of the night is half smoked. i’ll check facebook, finish it up, and pass out. this blog may have not brought any House-like epiphanies, but it brought something needed just as strongly: tiredness.

:) goodnight.

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here goes nothing…

i’ve been thinking that if i have somewhere to write again, maybe getting my thoughts out somewhere concrete instead of just letting them drift around in my head would be a good thing. so i guess here goes…

i’ve never been good at waiting. patience is a virtue, yadda yadda, it’s one i’ve never learned. the worst, is waiting on someone else. 

now, waiting on someone else for something to take place (ie for a check to be sent out in the mail, or for that sweet hoodie that i’ve been waiting for to arrive) is frustrating, but usually doable. there’s generally an acceptable time period in which something should arrive, or whatever it is that i may be waiting for to take place. if i’m at a show, i’m usually antsy in waiting for the band that i want to see take the stage. but i know that at some point in the night, they will be up there, so it’s an impatience that i’m willing to deal with. 

the waiting that gets to me the most is the waiting in where i don’t actually know what the final outcome will be, and i have to spend time and energy not knowing if what is on the other end of things will be what i want, or if it will even be good, or if it will be something that hurts me. i’ve found that in many of my experiences, this waiting is accompanied by something that seems irrational to me, or just doesn’t make sense (to me, at least). For example, when someone says that they want to wait until they have a more solid job to go back to school (when they currently have no job at all). On the rational side, going back to school usually ends up in furthering your education. With more (and different) education, jobs in fields that may not have been available to you open up in the long run. And in the short of things, you receive student loans and government aid that can help you pay your current bills and survive through each semester. If someone is saying that they’re waiting to be more financially stable while they have no job, before they go back to school, well… That just doesn’t make sense (to me).

Usually when this is the case, there is an ulterior reason why the person doesn’t want to go back to school right away. Maybe they’re afraid of failing. Maybe they want to party more out of their life and don’t want the added responsibilities. Maybe they don’t know how to go about signing up for school and aid and etc, and are embarrassed to ask for help. But usually, it’s not just because they actually want to find a better job BEFORE they go back to school.

I wish that people could just be more up-front and honest about their real reasons for things. I realize that maybe they don’t even know their true motivations (or lack of motivations) behind something. Or maybe they do, and they’re too afraid to open up to someone about them, or maybe they feel they’re trying to spare the emotions of the other party involved, or maybe they just don’t want to make their motivations public because they don’t want to seem selfish, or irrational. 

All of this being said, I am currently in a situation where I feel someone is getting slighted. Either I’m being slighted because the other party doesn’t want to hurt me, or they’re slighting themselves because they’re scared of what the situation could mean. Or maybe, they don’t realize that sitting on the fence is just as hurtful as telling me the complete truth, because it makes me think the worst of the situation. 

Maybe they don’t realize what their motivations truly are (or aren’t in this scenario). Maybe they do realize them, and know that I would be hurt if they were said aloud. And most likely, they don’t know what it is that my mind deduces based off of the “just wait” response. 

Whether or not I’m right, my mind tells me that if you’re holding back that means that my feelings are stronger than yours. No matter what the reasoning behind you holding back is (being scared, not knowing the future, etc), I have all of those same fears. But I decided long ago that those fears can’t stop the amount of love that I have for you, and won’t hold me back from making “us” the best that we can be. While I don’t disbelieve your feelings, the fact that I’m ready to move forward leads me to believe that my feelings are stronger than yours, because you’re not ready to move anywhere. If this is true, than it’s true, and I can live with it. What bothers me is that you will still insist that you love me more, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with me, but that you can’t just yet. If you really knew that you wanted that, I feel that it’s irrational to not do it. But, again, this is just my mind trying to sort out things that I’m confused about. 

I kind of want to delete this entire entry. I’ve now gone from being overly vague to addressing you (who will probably, and hopefully, never read this. my fear of being misunderstood is great). 

I love you. More than I ever knew what love could have meant. And this will not change. I know that you love me. I just don’t see how it can be as strong as the love that I have for you. And that’s ok, if we’re both honest about it. I felt that going into anything with you, I would have to fight to hold back just how strongly I felt about you because it took so long for anything to start that there was no way you had been harboring the feelings for me that I had been harboring for you. You continually tell me otherwise. And for a while I tried to believe that it could be possible. I just don’t feel that it is. And maybe you truly believe that your feelings for me are stronger than my feelings for you. But if that were the case, you would want to move forward with me more than I would want to move forward with you, and we both know that is not our current situation. 

From here, my mind goes to places that very well could be irrational. If you’re not ready to move forward, there has to be a logical reason. The only ones that seem feasible for me are that you’re waiting for something better to come along. If you truly don’t feel that will happen, as you’ve told me, then why are we still waiting? Why would you not want forever to start now? Or maybe you’re trying to get used to the idea that while I’m pretty decent, I’m not the whole package. I’ve got some brains, and some passion, and a few other good qualities in the box… But the wrapping isn’t all it could be, and maybe that’s something that will just take more time for you to get used to. I’m willing to accept this. But if you’re not willing to admit it, then I’m just left feeling more confused. Maybe you’re waiting for me to fuck something up. That’s a big possibility. I’m good at that. Maybe you’re scared and you want a way out, and you think that if you wait long enough, I’ll give you a valid exit. 

Maybe you really just don’t want what I want. Maybe, I’ll be crazy, and just continue to wait. My fear is that I will wait. And you’ll still have good excuses. And I’ll just keep waiting, because I have no other options. Then someone else will come along, and sweep you off your feet. She’ll probably be the whole package: brains, beauty, willpower, strength, motivation… Whatever it is that I don’t have, she will. And it’ll be easier for you to break ties with me, because we’ll have never moved forward. And there I’ll be, left by the side of the road again, for the same reasons, hoping that one day I can start over, and kicking myself for not opening my eyes sooner to the fact that I really just wasn’t good enough.

And there are my fears. Never good enough. Always a failure at something. I just wish that you’d be completely honest with me, and in turn honest with yourself. And maybe you are. And maybe my past has just fucked me up enough to never be able to completely realize it.